Live, Learn, & Grow

The magic of the internet, at my fingers for the first time as constant creative outlet; and I’ve used this new space to express myself exactly one time in nearly the first full month of it’s existence. My lack of words here since launching the site were not from indifference, rather it’s been exactly the opposite. The second one, unlike the first, is not primarily an announcement. The second post sets the tone for exactly what this blog should be. So… there’s definitely pressure to feel like the second one needs to be good. Very, very, very, very good.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I have thought about writing this blog constantly since posting the initial blog. I’ve written things, changed my mind, written new things only to change my mind once more. I’ve circled the drain of this cycle several times but somehow at this very moment it’s come to an end. As I write this, I am sitting in the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport waiting to board a flight home. I’ve spent nearly a week traveling, spending time in two different cities giving presentations and meeting new people, all while moving quickly and juggling normal office responsibilities. That’s the hectic part of business travel, personally there is also another entirely different dimension; solitude.

The solitude of the road, living out of hotels alone with your thoughts, is honestly not a complete negative because I’m honestly an introvert. I find the time to reflect useful, and this week was no exception. In my solitude this week I found something surprising, something that has shifted the paradigm of my outlook on life. I came to realization that I am not being true to my core self. I’ve allowed myself to make a series of compromises that have ultimately left me confused as to whether I’ve turned a corner to make permanent changes to myself or if I have become too timid seek acceptance for the person I know myself to be.

Mama said there would be days like this! I know it sounds like I am locked inside of some existential crisis with statements like that one. The truth is, I’ve freed myself from one. Step one of solving any problem is realizing that there is a problem. I’ve caged myself. I created a prison, opened the cell door, walked inside and closed it tight. The problem is, it was all unintentional. This week, on the road, I was able to open my eyes and see the bars for myself. Initially, my only thought was the amazement of being blind to being in such a state. Slowly, I began to feel old familiar parts of me stir to new life.

— Where am I?—

Suddenly dormant parts of my mind began scanning through the events they missed. During this particular stroll through the recent past I began to feel the pangs of regret. My responses to challenges were not impassioned. The rear view mirror painted a picture of someone adrift and unsure, wearing a mask of meekness that nearly made me unrecognizable. The softer, more meek version of myself wanted to explain compromise and the necessity of not making waves for the greater good, to declare there being a valid reason for allowing myself to be imprisoned in my own mind.

— I will be free.—

Suffice it to say my warrior green rage monster spirit would have none of this. The rebuke that came was not one based on anger over any the past events, it was over the emotional toll in the wake of these events. I was mired in regrets, repressed anger, and a sense of being trapped in a vacuum. I came to the abrupt sense that I have compromised so much, that I have compromised myself. This realization sent shock waves through my mind, and re-lit the fuse of passion in my heart. Feeling complete, and aware, I could not spend another second imprisoned.

—What does any of this have to do with a blog?—

Free to follow my own passion and unique voice I was no longer paralyzed over the weight and importance of the blog to actually write and POST the blog. Ultimately, the journey to discover, and in my particular case, rediscover myself, was far more interesting than any other tone setting topic. In life, we will all feel lost at times. We separate ourselves from some part of our core values, leaving us feeling unsatisfied with progress made because the price paid was ultimately too high.

I’m a big believer in the constant pursuit of becoming the best version of myself. The key word there is, ‘myself.’ I must recognize the gaze that meets me in the mirror as my own. Just this week I came to realization that I was in the midst of being lost. The gift of awareness is giving me a the chance to reconnect with what I’ve lost, and then turn to face the challenges ahead. I’ve lived, and I’ve learned from this experience, and now it’s time that I grow from it.

Look out world, the man they call D is awake and he’s coming home.

A Do The Things That Terrify You

I can honestly say this post is something I simultaneously always hoped I would, and never thought I would write.  If you're reading this, you've made it to my website. Thank you for following the link, please take a moment to look around, and I certainly hope to you'll become a frequent guest.  This is a new beginning, for both of us actually. This is my first blog post, and this is your first time checking out my blog.  I have a smile on my face writing this, as firsts go, this one is pretty cool. So, by now you must be wondering, 'does this idiot have anything interesting to say.' The short answer, yes. The people that know me well know that I have many opinions, and I'm certainly not shy about sharing any of them. For those of you that hardly know me, my writing here should hopefully be an entertaining and uplifting ride. 

The title of this post may surprise some of you. I tend to detach myself from emotional output, and fear is one of the emotions I show at all. I have a defiant streak, and I will not be ruled by the things to bring me fright. My goal is to always challenge myself, to face my fears head on. That tendency is what brings us together today. Deciding to start this site, to share my photography with anyone more than just myself is honestly terrifying. I have all of the doubts, the negative thoughts informing me that I know so many other talented people that are artistically and technically superior to my own work. I picture all of people that will see the link in my social media, and then immediately roll their eyes. Worse yet, I can picture people looking at the site with critical eyes and judging me as not talented enough or ready launch or sustain a website and photography business.

The truth is, I do know amazingly talented people that I consider to be inspirations. Their art is incredible, and they remind of all the things I have to learn. I should probably feel the weight of their superiority, I should feel the daunting weight of all everything I don't know and be crushed. While I am aware of that weight, I am not crushed by it. Instead I feel inspired. This inspiration struck me nearly all of sudden earlier this year. I hadn't picked up my camera in months, and I felt completely devoid of any artistic desire.

I was numb.

Then, all of sudden, I wanted to share my opinions on camera. I began to make videos and release them on Facebook, and it felt good. Scratch that, it felt GREAT. I decided that I wanted to share something positive with the world, that I wanted to be a voice promoting the civility that I know lays beneath surface of our turbulent society. Making videos requires lighting, so I began experimenting with how to properly light myself for video.  I was using my camera to shoot the videos, and then suddenly one day I stood in my dining room with lights set up, and a camera in my hand. I asked my wife to sit down, and I started shooting. Portraits, portraits, and more portraits, landscapes of the New York City skyline, mixed exposures, a full day shooting portraits of family. Suddenly, the drive to shoot was insatiable. My desire to complete shoots was also there. I found myself making post corrections and smiling. I had my epiphany, I still love this, and I've found my inspiration. 

My artistic side has always been protected by my more practical logical sensibilities. Opening up my desire to have people view the things I create makes me vulnerable. The practical side of me literally hates any vulnerability, yet my artistic side can't resist the thrill of having anything I create bring a smile to someone it touched. That thrill was alive, well, and thriving when my brother-in-law, and his wife both smiled joyously when reviewing the shots from our session. Their smiles were uplifting and powerful, palpably satisfying in a way that few things are in life. My passion for pictures, my life long obsession with creating a record to beauty I witness around me, captured something precious for them. I helped them bottle something beautiful in their life, something fleeting that needs to be preserved. I didn't create the beauty, they did, after all the beautiful moments captured were of their year and half old son; but I was able to provide them with a memory to his smiling face. 

So here we are, on the corner of terrified and inspired, and my choice is to follow the inspiration. This site, the pictures I may take, and the things I will share with anyone willing to see it are all the products of the people that truly inspire me. I have a pretty amazing family, and to them I say thank you. Thank you Lupi, my main Photo Buddy, for essentially being the mascot of this entire endeavor. Thank you for putting up with all of the pictures, incessant fretting over pictures, and retakes of the same pictures. Roger and Angela, thank you for taking a chance on seriously allowing me to shoot you officially. You may not have known it at the time, but the entire experience is what directly lead me to this moment. 

Over the coming days and weeks I will continue adding more examples of my recent work. I certainly hope to be able work with many of you in near future.